I love you

Thats my secret.

I don't believe in karma.

But I do believe in balance.

Believing in karma would be believing that I did something to deserve all of the bad things that have happened to me. I didn't.

Believing in balance is believing that all these bad things are happening to me now, so good things can happen to me later. That's something worth believing in.

A life worth writing down

So far this semester I have managed to:

• Move out of the dorms
• Get a job
• Get my own place
• Been demoted from maid of honor to uninvited
• Gain thirty pounds
• Quit smoking
• Lose twenty pounds
• Start smoking again
• Grow an inch
• Teach a class of first graders
• Meet a boy
• Lose a friend
• Break up with the boy
• Steal a sign
• Get pinkeye
• Get a tattoo
• Withdraw from a class to avoid failing
• Fail a paper
• Doubt my chosen career path
• Get strep
• Get a partner in crime
• Be a laundry basket for Halloween
• Lose a best friend
• Be replaced
• Almost die
• Get the shit kicked out of me
• Twice
• Not get a single A
• Get a new best friend
• Lose both of my dogs
• Find my grandma on the floor
• Move out
• Move in with my grandma
• Almost lose my sister
• Lose control of my eating
• Lose my grip
• Lose my mind
• Lose hope
• Gain perspective

Slow and Steady Wins the Race.

I sometimes think of how my life was a year ago. and how its changed. The people who were so close to me then, are people I barely know now. I think of how everything, and everyone has changed... And I worry that I will somehow get left behind. Or that I probably already have. Do I have catching up to do?

My mom feels the need to tell me that story about the tortoise and the hare.

"Slow and steady wins the race."

but is this life a race? And is it a race I really want to win?

I mean, winning a race consists of getting to the end the fastest, right? And if this lifetime is a race, then the end would be death. So why the rush?

I dont know, maybe my mentality is wrong; but the way I see it is I have nothing to rush off to. Whats the point of a happy ending if you have no memories of getting there.

So sure, rush off to your future.

But as for me... I think I'm the one leaving you behind.

so life goes on

He ended it all by saying "I just want you to know you did nothing wrong." I had to laugh because I knew exactly what I did wrong... I let him get to me.

I fell for him, and I fell hard. I told him my secrets and I blushed when he held my hand. I loved every second we spent together, and I couldn't wait for the next time I got to see him. His smile made me smile, even on my worst days. He taught me how to laugh again when I had almost forgotten how. I hoped that maybe, just maybe, this time it would work. Not only did I hope for it, I fully believed it. I allowed myself to break all my own promises for a guy.

I'm not going to sit here and blab on and on about how much I loved him and how my life will never be the same. Because thats not the case. Although I really, really, liked him, I was not in love with him. It was, however heading that way. I could feel myself falling for him and it scared me. I'm an "on my own" kinda chick. I like being alone, because I know in the end I can only count on myself. Something about him though made me doubt myself and I let myself go. I loved who I was around him. Not that he changed me, but more that he complimented me.

We worked well together. I'm not a girl who needs to be doted on and he was not a guy who doted. We did our own things, but together and I liked that about our relationship. I thought I finally met someone who fit into this crazy thing I call my life. He knew how crazy I was and liked me for it.

While all of this was running through my head, he asked the inevitable question: "Can we still be friends?" I had to laugh again, because thats all I ever wanted.

Reflections

Reflection: it can be described as "a fixing of the thoughts on something; careful consideration."

And thats what a mirror brings me. Thoughts. Consideration. Reflection.

Because of this, a mirror has become one of my most hated enemies.

They assume the worst of me.... and make a convincing argument for me to do the same.

I am made into a mockery of myself.

My flaws, my wrong doings, my regrets, my loves, my losses

All of them exposed,

staring back at me.

I can no longer take it.

I'll look in a mirror again,

When I see something worth seeing

Some Fairytale

I didn't see this coming,

but I sure did see you leaving.

Did you waste your time on me?

Did I waste all of mine believing?

Our love was no fairytale

the happy ending that I awaited

was one you and I together

could never have created.

A love story, maybe:

beginning, middle and end.

lets go back to the beginning,

babe, lets just play pretend.

Pretend it never got that far,

pretend we never ended.

As if when I looked at you,

your arms were still extended.

My arms reach out for you now

but yours no longer there.

My lips they call to you,

but my voice... empty and bare.

My body craves yours,

Like a drug I need a fix.

Baby please just grant me

one last goodbye kiss?

Those memories you gave me

all the time we shared...

does life go on without you

did you ever really care?

I often wonder about you,

do you ever think of me?

All the things we could have had,

What I wanted us to be?

I would live my whole life missing you

watching you with someone else.

If letting go is what I need to do

just let me know, and I'll leave you too.